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How To Disappear

by Casey

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  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Buy the new album 'How To Disappear' on Eruption Red Marble 12" Vinyl featuring alternate sleeve art and Casey photo booklet.

    Includes unlimited streaming of How To Disappear via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days
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      £30 GBP or more 

     

  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Buy the new album 'How To Disappear' on Eruption Red Marble 12" Vinyl featuring alternate sleeve art.

    Includes unlimited streaming of How To Disappear via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days
    Purchasable with gift card

      £24 GBP or more 

     

  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Buy 'How To Disappear' on Transparent Yellow 12" colour vinyl.

    Includes unlimited streaming of How To Disappear via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days
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      £22 GBP or more 

     

  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Pre-order the new album 'How To Disappear' on Softpack CD.

    Includes unlimited streaming of How To Disappear via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days
    Purchasable with gift card

      £10 GBP or more 

     

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

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1.
It’s difficult to describe the machinations of my life without acknowledging the ubiquitous discomfort. I know that I’ve been happy, it’s just hard to surface from beneath the gossamer of guilt that covers everything I’ve known. But when it’s my turn to leave I pray I’m known for more than my misery. Is that how you will remember me? If I’m being honest I’m unsure if that question is mine to find an answer for. It doesn’t feel like my place to dictate how you feel when I’m gone. All I know is that I harbor an inconsolable grief for the life that I’ve allowed to be placed out of reach by the ghost of inadequacy. I need you to know that I’m happier now, than I’ve ever been. I hope you know that I’m happier now, cos I’m happier now. But when it’s my turn to leave I pray I’m known for more than my misery. Is that how you will remember me? But when it’s my turn to leave I pray I’m known for more than my misery. Is that how you will remember me?
2.
In every moment of ambivalence I’d find some comfort in the knowledge that somewhere you may be watching from afar; and in time we’ll see eachother again. But for now I’m tightly clinging to an unseen hand that leads me through the dark, praying that it’s you. Softly singing through the annals of my youth. Never one to be dramatic but I knew you’d be unable to depart without making sure we understood you’d always be around. Out of sight, and sometimes I still find that hard to sing about. We’ve gotta ask if you could feel it as you left? Cos there was laughter from another room. A warmth imbued in everyone you knew. And it feels uncomfortable to say it out loud, but I was happy when you died. When I found out, everyone was full of love and of light sharing stories of your life. And we still speak of you in dulcet tones, every word in homage to the houses you’ve made homes. I wanna know if you could hear it as you left? Cos I was laughing from another room. Your brevity suffused in me, even though I’m still bereft of how to praise you adequately - I hope to God that I still make you proud. Still all I wanna know is why you disappeared.
3.
Oh tell me moon, in eclipse do you breathe a sigh of relief? A moment of intimacy. So if ever comes the day when I awake without Your pretty name upon my fragile tongue; I’d spite the God Who saw fit to neglect me of the bliss of a peaceful death in ignorance of losing love. Sanctimonious. But if in each of us is a world created Then even when we’re separated You belong to me, and I to you. We exist inside each other now forever. So even after we depart to transition unto another lifetime, If I were deaf and you non-verbal, in a world devoid of light, I would find you Even in the darkest spaces, I swear to love you no less than I do now, Forevermore, until the end of time. You belong to me, and I to you. You belong to me, and I belong to you, We exist inside each other now forever. Cos if ever comes the day when I awake without Your pretty name upon my fragile tongue; I’d kill the God Who saw fit to neglect me of the bliss of a peaceful death in ignorance of losing love.
4.
For Katie 03:56
The anecdotes that I recite about the first half of my life are shrouded in verisimilitude, And now it feels naive to ask but, do you think about when we were young? Would you say that we were happy? Because I barely remember anything before my twenties. When I think back I only see an apoplectic wreck, Numb behind the eyes but scared to death. Still running away, no closer to anything. So overcome with apathy, I know that you can still see it. I’ve been low for longer now than I care to remember. Just tell me when it’s too close to home. Do you ever stop to stop and wonder about how much you hurt your mother? The debt of love you owed for the blood that you borrowed, too great for you to ever repay. I have photographs of us when we were kids, it’s the only reason I know you existed. Your lips were pursed to stifle laughter, don’t recall what happened after. So overcome with apathy, I know that you can still see it. I’ve been low for longer now that I care to remember. Just tell me when it’s too close to home.
5.
Selah 04:05
The fury in your house should have saved me from the debris of my car and the blood held in my mouth from when my teeth had been knocked out There’s always static on the end of the line to heaven So what pain must I endure before you feel like coming down? Lord, is it true that I am such a waste that I am easy to ignore? No sermon that I’ve ever sung has ever summoned you, so maybe you’re not there at all. When I was sick and I was dying, I was alone It wasn’t empyrean fire guiding my way home Only the voices of my friends, my mother and my father You sat in silence, left me crying out for you to take my life Oh Lord, is it true that I am such a waste that you’re ashamed to show your face and grant me just a gleam of grace in even your most sacred of spaces? And if that’s the case then; How could I know peace? How could I know peace? How could I know peace? How could I know peace? How could I know peace? (Should I be afraid?) How could I know peace? (Cos in the end) How could I know peace? (I know that death will) How could I know peace? (Greet me as a friend)
6.
Another year around the sun in search of Anything to pacify the numbing belief That irrespective of how our time was spent Or what solace we were graced by friends It all amounted to nothing in the end. You’d always watch me as I’d ideate Diazepam and dulling ache Open eyed, I stare at the mirror and drive my teeth straight through my tongue It’s so torpefying knowing that one day your life will be forgotten In the spaces between my discomfort and grief I had nothing to offer to help you to sleep No question ever conjured up enough detail to reconstruct The trust that you felt I had broken; shallow cuts for doubt to soak in. Now I don’t think of you in apathy (You’d always watch me as I’d ideate) Now I don’t think of you in apathy. Now I don’t think of you in apathy (Diazepam and dulling ache) I don’t think of you at all. Open eyed, I stare at the mirror and drive my teeth straight through my tongue It’s so torpefying knowing that one day your life will be forgotten And I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame, But if it hurt that much then why did you stay? In the spaces between my discomfort and grief, I had nothing to offer to help your sleep Surrender to bed, silk scarves at the wrists. An apostle for malediction. Yarn for the tapestry, woven in anger. Rage for the sake of it, stuck on repeat. No heaven ever equal to your skin, but no Hell like the wrath that lay beneath. Open eyed, I stare at the mirror and drive my teeth straight through my tongue It’s so torpefying knowing that one day your life will be forgotten You’ll be forgotten. But if it hurt so much then why did you stay? But if it hurt so much then why did you stay?
7.
Do you know how much that I love you? Cos I do, but I can’t recall when I last let you know. Around the fire in my throat, with each despair that I’m verbose, My reticence has found a home. What benefit is eloquence if I can’t call and tell my friends that I love them When that’s what they need to hear? What benefit is eloquence if I can’t call and tell my friends that I love them? Cos I love them. When it matters most I don’t feel like I’m present. I can understand your pain but still I’m sorry if you feel like I’m not around I swear I try to be but I’m sorry if you feel like I’m not around; It hurts in ways I can’t explain. What benefit is eloquence If I can’t call and tell my friends that I love them When that’s what they need to hear? Coveted verbosity is without worth if I’m replete With nothing more than shame when I should be imbued with rage. I pray that the impression that I’ve made upon the Earth will be suffice to eulogize when I’m no longer here. But if it’s not, my only hope is that those that I’m survived by know that I’ve always loved them more than I’ve been able to show. What benefit is eloquence If I can’t call and tell my friends that I love them When that’s what they need to hear? What benefit is eloquence If I can’t call and tell my friends that I love them
8.
St Peter 01:23
I know it’s not my place to ask you stay with me on earth, I’ve heard Peter call your name, but Darling, I was calling first. So if you have to leave I can’t say that I’d understand, But, my love, I will wait (like I always have)
9.
I barely notice as you pick up all the pieces. How long have I been like this? You must be tired, and I’m still trying to find the words to compensate for how vacant I’ve been today. Can’t believe that I would take you for granted. God I hate myself for letting you shoulder the weight for two. If it gets too much to hold, I won’t blame you if you go. In every conversation you fight for my attention, but I can feel the ennui that wears down your affection. Does it help if I say I’m sorry? I know you must be tired, but I’m scared because I no longer recognise myself. So whose role have I been modeled after? Mother’s warmth and father’s laughter, yet somewhere in between with my anxieties and guilt. Oh, what is the price of my reprieve if not a life of misery? Held hostage by a blade of shame, with your name at the hilt. But I still can’t find the words to compensate for how vacant I have been. Never meant to take you for granted, but I know that I did. God I hate myself for how you must think about me now. Know how much it hurts to grieve, but please don’t hate me if I leave.
10.
No pain ever quite so replete as that which we allow to steep in the silent space between us. As tips sprawl out over upholstery but fail to meet, We paint a vivid portrait of accismus. Who are you in other rooms? When I’m not there does it still hurt the same? Can we talk? Is it too soon? Do you think that you’ll ever look at me that way again? Pace the floor of this vacant house, no sense left in speaking. God, it feels so weak to avert my eyes from your indifference. Strike a match up off this friction, light me up just like you used to. Who are you in other rooms? When I’m not there does it still hurt the same? Can we talk? Is it too soon? Do you think that you’ll ever look at me that way again? And now you bite your tongue and you call it love, But you know it won’t go back to the way it was So why would you beg me to stay then resent me because I’ve changed?
11.
Blush 03:47
If you don’t mind, could you turn yourself away? It hurts to see the disappointment on your face And I know you’re probably sick of hearing me complain about the weight of being alive. In every conversation piece that you perform to pique my intrigue, I can see the light fade from your eyes. But know that I’d give anything I had to feel the blood rush to my cheeks The way it used to when you’d laugh. I still keep you in mind. I still keep you in mind. I still keep you in mind. I still keep you in mind. Always told myself the hardest lesson learned was how to love someone without it being returned. When in fact, I now believe that there’s no greater pain than being told you’re loved, and feeling nothing but apathy. I still keep you in mind (even if it’s hard to feel it). I still keep you in mind (know you’ll always have a home inside my head). I still keep you in mind (and I think of you in fondness, even now). I still keep you in mind (I’m sure I will until the end)
12.
It’s a slow ride, slipping out of focus A steady decline, every day’s the same It aches until you tell yourself you can’t feel it anymore. But it makes your shadow heavy as you drag it on the floor. And you’re happy til you’re not, then you’re unsure if you ever were. “You’re looking tired lately, is it getting hard to hold yourself together?” The vespertine reluctance to stay awake and engage with anything that you say. Are you keeping count of how often I dissociate when asked “is everything okay?” When all I wanna know is how to disappear without leaving you to worry about me. It hurts to say, but I’m getting tired of running away from the same pain. Sorry if I’ve been avoiding the question. Sorry if I’ve been avoiding the question. What if you woke up to an empty bed and a note that said “Is it disregard or discontent that lures the sparrow to its end?” Sharp despair laid bare in the sunlight golden, Fractured glass on an afternoon of grief unspoken. Lately I haven’t been myself at all. Sorry if I’ve been avoiding the question, I haven’t been myself at all. Sorry if I’ve been avoiding the question, I haven’t been myself at all. When all I wanna know is how to disappear without leaving you to worry about me. It hurts to say, but I’m getting tired of running away from the same pain. “Is everything okay?” (Is everything okay, everything okay?) “Is everything okay?” (Is everything okay, everything okay?) “Is everything okay?” (Is everything okay, everything okay?) “Is everything okay?” (Is everything okay, everything okay?) Sorry if I’ve been avoiding the question. Sorry if I’ve been avoiding the question. When all I wanna know is how to disappear, it’s all I wanna know. When all I wanna know is how to disappear, it’s all I wanna know.

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released January 12, 2024

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Casey Wales, UK

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